Mother Guilt

I have been feeling a familiar feeling lately. It is what I felt when I was newly married. I tried to make our basement apartment cute and homey. But then I would go visit other newlywed friends and, to me, theirs was always more cute, more clean, more homey, etc. I obsessed about this to the point where I couldn't enjoy my own home. It wasn't until Nick came home from school one day and threw himself on the couch and said, "I am so glad to be home, it feels so nice here" that I realized that I had made it our home and I never worried about it again. Well, since having Brady, and talking to other moms and seeing other mom's with their little ones, I am starting to feel something familiar. I feel guilty about how I am doing EVERYTHING!!! I don't swaddle him, hold him enough, play with him enough, do tummy time enough, blah, blah, blah....Luckily for me, I found notes from a talk I heard at Time Out for Women that came at just the right time. The speaker was Emily Watts and she was fantastic. She talked about being moms in these latter days. She said great little tidbits like "mothers are just people" and "don't feel guilty about the things you can't control". These meant little to me then but have all the more meaning now and were enough to shake me out of my funk last week. So, these are the things I am no longer going to feel guilty about:

1. having to supplement Brady's feedings with formula.
2. letting him cry it out every once in a while
3. not holding him 24 hours a day
4. his hatred for tummy time - he will survive and thrive, the pediatrician assures me!
5. Brady's love for a binky

Brady is healthy and happy and after an almost 45 minute talk with his pediatrician on Friday, I am finally convinced that I am doing a pretty okay job. Just a point of reference on how insane I got: Before Brady's 2 month appointment I was obsessing about how he just wasn't growing. Everybody kept saying how small he was and I noticed that he was still wearing newborn clothes - these things are not a big deal but at the time......I WAS OBSESSED!! So at Brady's appointment I literally asked his doctor if Brady was going to be a midget - please hold your laughs! I had convinced myself that he was not growing and that something was wrong. The sweet, amused doctor tried his hardest not to laugh and lovingly reminded me that Nick and I aren't giants among men and that Brady is growing - he'll probably just be short like both his parents. God bless that man for not laughing out loud and cracking my paper thin sanity at the moment! My favorite quote from Emily Watts talk was this: "Motherhood provides us the very opportunity to provide for "the least of these". I feel this so strongly. He is our son but he is also one of Heavenly Father's children and I will not mess this up! And it seems I am not......so far! Brady's 4 month stats: Height: 24 in - 25% Weight: 13 lbs 10 oz - 25% Head: 16 in.

Mother's Day Part 2

On Saturday, my Grandma came down to visit and celebrate mother's day with us. She loves seeing Brady so we went over there to spend some time with her. That night, my parents treated us to dinner at Mutsake's, a japanese steakhouse! YUMMY! Here is a four generation photo:

Mother's Day

I love being a mom - it's the best, hardest, most lovely job I have ever had. The pay is great, usually doled out in gummy grins and little laughs, the hours stinks - I am on call 24 hours a day, but overall, I love the people I work with! My "co-worker" got me a beautiful rocking chair just to let me know how much he appreciates all the hard work and long hours I am putting in! He also treated me to a dinner at Carraba's - boy, does he know me well! How can I complain when my one and only client is as cute as this:

A Tribute

If I am going to be honest, I don't like change. I am the girl who will keep a pair of jeans with a hole in the crotch for years (and wear them....eeeek) because I know how long it took me to get them to that soft, comfortable stage where they feel like sweatpants. When going to restaurants, I always order the same thing at each one. I don't like the surprise of a new dish. And when it comes to friends, I have my handful of "lifers" that haven't changed for years. Within that group, one stands alone. We have been friends for over twenty years and today is her birthday. When I think of her, I am instantly happy because in my mind I instantly see a video montage of our lives together. There are good times, boy howdy, and there are even better times. We have cried together, laughed together, yelled at each other, shared our faith, our fears, our most intimate thoughts and through it all, we still love each other. We still find time in our lives to talk almost every other day - good thing she got a cell phone!!! She was there for me when a certain boy broke my heart and I for her. She was there for me the night my dad had a heart attack - it was the same night she got engaged and it didn't matter. She was there for me - and she probably doesn't even know how much that meant to me. She flew across the country to come to my wedding, she flew across the country again to see me pregnant and throw me a bridal shower. She loves my husband and my son. She knows my voice when it sounds worried and she lovingly talks me down from whatever cliff I am on at that moment. In truth, she is the kind of person you want in your corner because she loves with all her heart. I know she prays for me and thinks about me because thousands of miles away, I am praying for her and thinking about her. For al these reasons, and about a billion more, she will always be my best friend. She is more like family to me because I can't imagine my life without her in it! And more than anything, today, I wish I would be with her and wish her a happy birthday ( but this sappy blog will have to do!) Apey, I love you and miss you and, as always, wish all the best things for you! Happy Birthday!

Did I really sign up for this???

The past 5 days I have been sick - not just stuffy nose sick - like, I can't swallow, breathe, talk sick. I am so congested my teeth hurt, I can't sleep at night, and now I have pulled a muscle in my back from all the coughing. Throw in an infant who still wakes up to eat during the night and you have one unhappy, sleep deprived mommy. Don't get me wrong, Brady is a pretty great baby. He's generally happy and content. But, when he has a need, you better get to it and get to it fast. He's pretty high maintenance in that respect. Well you couple my being sick with his impatience - needless to say, we have been struggling the last couple of days. How do you be a good mommy when all you want is to curl up in the fetal position and have your mommy take care of you? I try really hard not to complain about mother issues because I feel like I am lucky to even be a mom. Honestly, there were days during and after my transplant that I wasn't sure! So, to be here, with a beautiful, healthy baby is a dream come true - but just not this past several days. And what I am learning is that, as a mom, you can't call in sick. You can't cash in on a sick day and sit at home with your jammies on and sleep all day. But what you do get is a sympathetic husband who lets you sleep in and covers the morning feedings. You get a baby with his big, gummy grin who is so excited to see you. And that ain't half bad!