Tuesday, February 23, 2010

True thoughts and feelings about baby #2

Sigh....where to begin? I found out I was pregnant with this new baby the day before we spent all night in the hospital with Brady when he had pneumonia. Not great timing! I was staring at my baby on this huge hospital bed with IV's in his arm and just thought, "I have a baby - are you kidding me?" After we got home, he was sick and clingy for about another week so I was completely drained emotionally, physically, spiritually, you name it. Because he had been so sick, his pediatrician said that he would probably regress in some areas and that that was just part of the deal. He did regress - A LOT! He became a newborn again, waking up every 2 hours. I was so spent. I remember this one day so clearly. I had been up all night with Brady and I was tired and morning, well all day sickness, had really set in. It was about 11:00 am and I knew Brady as exhausted. I put him in his crib and he screamed and screamed and screamed. I called my mom hysterical and just talked to her about a mile a minute about how I was so tired. I could in no way handle a new baby. I was completely spent. He eventually cried himself to sleep after 45 minutes of torture for us both. So at almost 11 months old, I had to re-sleep train him, UGH!!! My mom called about 30 minutes later to check on me and I just started crying again. She could tell I was at the end of my rope. She came over and picked up Brady and took him to her house so I could just have the day to recoup. I pretty much cried for hours on and off as I tried to wrap my head around the idea that in about 7 1/2 months I would have another baby to care for! I cried for the loss of time I would have with my little buddy. I cried for not feeling excited about this new baby. Basically, I cried - A LOT! This pregnancy was not planned but it was here and this baby was coming and I needed to get on board. So, I prayed to feel excited. I prayed for strength to handle this new adventure. I prayed that I would savor every last minute I had with just Brady and me. I prayed that my body would be strong and healthy for this little baby that I was starting to get excited about little by little. I still pray everyday for this baby that I now love and am so excited to meet. I also still worry that I am not up for the challenge. I still cry sometimes that everyday I wake up is one less day I have with my precious first born, my partner in crime, my best little buddy. But most of the time I cry happy tears that Heavenly Father has blessed us once again with a sweet little spirit. Most of the time I think how much fun these two kids are going to have together. Most of the time, my heart swells with joy at the thought of sharing this sacred experience with my dear husband, who I love and respect. He makes all of this seem fun and exciting. So, ready or not, baby #2 is on it's way!

7 comments:

losing my needles said...

My pregnancy timing was not planned either, so I spent the whole first few months of this pregnancy worried that something was going to go wrong as punishment for me not being excited. There were a lot of times when I was kicking myself for being so stupid as to get pregnant. Even still, when I see a fussy baby, a sense of dread sets in thinking that's what I'm in for. I totally know where you're coming from. But then the baby will get here, and somehow everything will work out. And we'll enjoy all of the newborn things even more since you see how quickly they grow out of them, and you enjoy the new phases that the older ones go through too. Somehow it always works out.

Shuldberg said...

You'll do great Amanda! Four of our kids were between 18 and 21 months apart. It is amazing how much your older children grow up during your pregnancy. It definitely has it's hard times--trust me. But it is very doable and believe it or not, enjoyable. And, I hated hearing this when my second baby was born...but it is SO nice having them close together once they get a bit older. They will be best of friends and playmates. It seems like a lot to take in right now...I remember feeling overwhelmed. In fact, when Ashlyn was 9 months old, I got pregnant again with #3. I was not ready, I was very unhappy with the pregnancy. I ended up losing that baby early on. Losing it made me realize how much I wanted it. 3 months later, I got pregnant again and was extatic! These feelings will be replaced with excitement and love as your baby continues to grow. Congratulations Amanda! I am very excited for you!

The Critchlow Family said...

So happy for you. You may not seem quite ready now, but are we ever? That is why we are pregnant nine months. By the time that munchkin is ready to be here it will feel like the timing couldn't be any better! We are so excited for you guys!! Congratulations...oh...by the way...quit hogging all the snow this winter and send some our way please!!

Parkinson Family said...

Congratulations Amanda! You're an amazing mom to Brady and will be fabulous with two as well. My 2 favorite scriptures I repeat out loud when I'm having a hard time are "I can do all things through Christ" and "Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid neither be thou dismayed, for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest (the YW scripture for 2010)." I hope your prego sickness goes away!

Kayla said...

I know the feeling. Tears were shed when I found out #2 was coming too soon, but while the beginning will be tough, they can become best friends like my two little girls.

Nicole said...

Amanda, Darrel and I are so excited for you and Nick! Children are miracles in many different ways from conception to birth and then throughout their young lives (that's as far as we've gotten). All is required is a willing heart and mind on our part. The Lord takes care of the rest. And your children adjust and your family dynamics change and... somewhere, somehow it all works itself out... I don't know exactly how but it happens. Don't underestimate your abilities! You're a great mom now and you'll always be... it's in you!

Brendalyn said...

Oh Amanda,
Reading your post brought back memories for me and I felt that you were writing my feelings and thoughts. I was so scared about having another baby when I already had a baby and had just discovered she was special needs on top of that. But though it has felt like I have twins sometimes, I couldn't imagine life any differently. Children come when they are supposed to and they are such blessings even though they are so much work. You will do great! Good Luck and Best Wishes. We need to get together again soon.