Wednesday, June 17, 2009

"I'll be sad later..."

I have had a humbling couple of days. My heart is heavy but also very full of gratitude. Yesterday was my 4 year checkup for my kidney transplant. I was pretty anxious about this appointment because I was going to have to make some decisions about my medical care and I am not good at this. I am, however, really good at doing exactly what they tell me to do - but this was not a decision they could make for me. I get down to Georgetown after 2 hours of driving and am feeling frustrated with my crying baby. Who blames him though, right?!?! I rush up to the Transplant unit and sit down. By then, Brady has calmed down and is flirting with anyone who will look his way. Across from me, was a smiley woman holding a very sick looking baby who was obviously hooked up to dialysis. At that moment, I felt so ashamed. Ashamed for being so ungrateful for my health, ashamed for being frustrated with Brady for crying and ashamed for not thanking Heavenly Father everyday for such a healthy happy boy. She looked at Brady and he laughed and so we began talking. She asked me how old he was and I told her he was five months. I asked her how old little Clay was and she said 4 months. She then paused and looked at me and told me to not be so sad for her. She told me she's okay and she knew Clay would be okay too. Little baby Clay is waiting for a kidney transplant. The only problem is, he can only receive a transplant from another baby so he is facing, possibly, a very long wait. I had visible tears in my eyes and said I was so sorry. She said, "Why? One of you is obviously not well or you wouldn't be here." I told her how I was there for my four year check up from my own transplant that I received from my mother. This made her cry. She said she would give anything to give her baby a kidney but she would have to wait until he was at least 5 years old. But then she said something that will change me forever. She said, "I'll be sad later. I am going to enjoy every second of his life and just live, come what may." At that very moment, the nurse called little Clay back for his appointment and we parted ways. I felt to grateful that I got to meet her. The thing is, everybody is suffering from something. It could be mental, physical, financial, etc but we all have our burdens. We also all have a choice about how we will handle these things and I think my new friend has hit the nail on the head. I'll be sad later - today I will live! Fast forward to today. I was feeding Brady and turned on my tv to pick a show from our DVR. There was a recorded Oprah from yesterday that I remembered I really wanted to watch. Oprah was featuring children who were considered miracle children and during the commercial for this upcoming episode, I saw two little girls that I recognized from a book written by their mother that my mom just finished reviewing. Anyway, I turn it on and am amazed at the stories I am hearing about. I am feeling so uplifted. I am snuggling my baby and feeling so blessed and grateful and humbled. The last story was one of a little baby named Eliot who was born with Trisomy 18. His parents found out at 30 weeks gestation that he had it and and because babies born with it don't usually live past infancy so they started writing him letters and taking pictures to put together in a video diary. They played it today on Oprah and it made me so sad and happy at the same time. The 99 days this boy lived, he was loved so much and he really did LIVE! After the video, Oprah, through tears, interviewed Eliot's parents. The mom basically said the same thing as Clay's mom. She said she decided when she was 30 weeks pregnant that she was going to love this baby and live each day independent from the next. She was going to treat Eliot as if he would live forever and celebrate his life. She said there would be time to be sad later. Once again, I am bawling my eyes out as I realize that two days straight I hear this advice and realize that this is a life lesson for me. Some people who know what I have been through say, "You've been through so much. How are you so happy?" or "I could never have gotten through what you have." But, we all have things - hard things. I would rather have a kidney transplant than watch my baby suffer through it. Clay's mom doesn't see it that way. She just loves and lives. And that is what I am going to do from now on. Come what may, I'll be sad later, but today, I will live!

10 comments:

Parkinson Family said...

I bawled the 1st half of that video. I love how strong the parents are and how they quickly recognized a blessing and God's hand in their situation. It is peaceful to know that even if our babies leave this earth, they get to be with Jesus. I love your insightful posts, Amanda! Congratulations on 4 years!

Becky said...

Hey Amanda,
Thanks so much for posting this. It's something I REALLY needed to hear right now. You are such an amazing person.

The Adams Family said...

Thank you for that video its amazing. I think of my little Matt daily and how the doctors told me he shouldn't be alive and I am so grateful that he's here with me. Thank you for reminding me about how each day is a gift I really appreicate that! I miss ya girl!

Laurie LC Lewis said...

What great insight that mom had. Thanks for picking up on it and absorbing it so we could be reminded of all our blessings and to find joy in our circumstances, no matter what they are.

Love you tons!

Danielle said...

I saw this Oprah when it first aired last year and couldn't wait to watch it again yesterday! I played the youtube on Eliot for my girls later - we all watched and cried through it! It really does change your perspective on things. You are a great mother; but then again, you had a great example!

Benilynn said...

I saw this video the first time and was deeply touched! The second time I saw it, I think I changed! I need to live each day as if it were my last, the good ones, the bad ones, and the great ones! Thank you so much for posting this, and reminding me of how truly blessed we all are. And how we need to find the good in our trials!
I love your story about your friend that you made at the hospital- that is another gem of advice I will remember in all your words of wisdom to me! Amanda you are the best, and I love you!

James and Amy said...

The tears are flowing. Thanks Amanda for sharing those stories.

HailerStar said...

That video was amazing. So was your post, btw. But the video ... I was able to watch it all and not cry until they showed the casket at the end. I have so many people that I love that have lost children and I really love this family's outlook and their celebration of this little man's life. So very beautiful.
Thank you for sharing.

H.

Nicole said...

Amanda, thank you for this post. I am reading it a month later and I would have seen you that day had we not left. Amazing words and insight. Thank you.

Stacey Mom said...

Hey Amanda, I clicked onto your blog from Nicoles and I really loved this post. It was so thoughtful and something every parent needs reminded of again and again. Both of the parents you spoke of were so wise. I'm just trying to take it all in. Thanks again.
-Alisa