Wednesday, May 26, 2010

For My Toddler

As I hold your 16 month old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship, I suddenly feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you? Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me, as you've never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me." And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again. You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again. But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her. -- as though I am betraying you. But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection. More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement … Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you-- only differently. And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply. I love you -- both and I thank you both for blessing my life." My friend sent me this after mentioning how the last couple of days my heart is hurting as I watch my time with Brady slipping away. I love that little boy so much! He has filled my world in the short span of sixteen months and to be honest, I feel a little robbed at times. I love Baby Avery and know that she is meant to be here in our family at this time but my heart is so torn! We are down to nine weeks and counting - can't believe how fast the time has flown by!

2 comments:

Sarah said...

What a wonderful post! I found out I was pregnant with Jacob when Alayna was 6 months old. As his delivery neared I went back and forth between guilt, fear, and outright anger. I didn't want an intruder. None of my fears were realized because Alayna was too young to know what jealousy was. And instead of having to carve out another piece of my heart for another person my heart grew to make room for little Jacob. I never could have imagined (and still can't really explain) how that worked. What a blessing! You are such a wonderful mother - I can't wait to see you with two!!! And while having one baby is wonderful, there is no joy quite like seeing your children play together.

lilbeansboutique said...

beautiful. That is so right on. You will be a great mommy to both of your little ones. And your heart will make room. Brady is going to love little Avery so much.